Allowing Chivalry...

Sometimes, I think in Facebook status form. In seriousness, I word and reword what I plan to post on Facebook (which most of the time never gets posted cause I'm no where near a phone or computer). The other day I was thinking pointedly about how to word one such "post": I fully understand that people are trying to help me at times, but sometimes I feel like shouting "I'm able!" I caught myself as I was thinking this one over and realized what I was doing. I was being ungrateful for help where it probably looks like I need help, and in the instance I was alluding to in that "status" I was not allowing leadership and chivalry to happen. In other words, I was being dismissive instead of submissive.

In that event, I had two bags of books to take back to the library, my own diaper bag flung onto my back messenger bag style, and was carrying Judah like a football down the stairs from our apartment. The normal day, in my opinion. A kind gentleman, seeing this, hurried to grab something of my troubles. Trying to hurry, I just kept saying "Just the door please! Please, just the door!" knowing that once I got outside, I could put Judah down and hold his hand and be okay with the load. At first he didn't understand, making the moment with all the stuff longer and me more frustrated as I again said, "I'm okay! But if you could open the door that would be wonderful!" And as planned, the door opened, Judah was down, and I was on my way with thanks to the gentleman. My first reaction was frustration. I do this kind of stuff everyday. I'm a stay-at-home wife and mother and I just assume it comes with the territory. Another time, I had been getting my keys out of my diaper bag, watching Judah out of the corner of my eye, and balancing a large box of groceries between myself and the door frame. Again, another kind person hurried to help me, and yet my response was "No, please don't move it! If you move it, it will fall!" instead of accepting help. I'm always frustrating when these things happened, wanting to say, "I am able! Leave me be!"

But as I thought on moments like these, I noticed a trend. One that I think super-moms everywhere are probably teaching their daughters: self-reliance. This isn't bad in all cases. We need self-reliance to go off to college, or school in general. To be able to function without constant help and supervision. But in my case, and maybe the case of many out there, I'm purposefully refusing to be called weak. I am relying on self, and not God. On self, and not the help that He provides for me. I then took it a step further in my thoughts. In both instances, I was refusing help from men as if to say "Just because I'm a woman doesn't make me disabled." As I'm teaching Judah to help elderly friends, be gentle with other children (babies especially), and to show other adults the respect they are due. As I'm training him to (Lord willing) be a godly man who is chivalrous in holding doors for women and being helpful, I see that it's most likely one day that a woman (maybe even his wife) will refuse help because she doesn't want to be considered weak. Once is fine, that a young man can brush off as someone having a bad day. But if every woman he comes in contact with has the same "superwoman" complex, what is that teaching the child who I desire to be a leader in his family? Nothing other than women don't need my help. So why offer it.

I know this may sound harsh, and I don't mean it to be! But I do worry about women in today's society losing their femininity. I'm not saying you can't be a tomboy. I was a tomboy growing up, and I still enjoy getting my hands dirty and doing hard labor when there's work to do. I'm saying that today's women, myself included, are sadly losing the biblical view of being a woman and therefore causing men to lose the way that they are meant to pursue.

To start at the beginning, "God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27). God didn't create just Adam in His image, Eve was created in God's image as well. Being created in His image, we are called to bring glory to His name no matter what we are doing (1 Corinthians 10:31). Yes, we are to work hard and not be idle, twiddling our fingers and eating bon bons (as a dear friend says) while others labor for us. The Proverbs 31 woman (Proverbs 31:10 to the end of the chapter) is a fine example of what a godly woman looks like. But she doesn't do it all so that people can tell her "Wow! You did all that? YOU are incredible!" She does it because she loves and fears the Lord. Because of this true love and healthy fear, her family flourishes. Her husband can trust her. But note, he doesn't figure she's on her own. As a godly man, also made in the image of God, he as the leader of the family entrusts things to her.

In a normal household, it is hard to do dishes, laundry, clean up, cook, and all those things with a toddler running around. But Joe, the leader of our family and my head, entrusts these things to me while he is away at school. He's not playing either, sitting idly by. He is working for our family to provide means for us. He lovingly, knowing my abilities and not giving me tasks I am completely unable to do, delegated domestic engineering (my favorite terminology for housewife stuff) to me knowing that our home will prosper. He trusts me. And I, being his wife, am called to submit to his leadership. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." (Ephesians 5:22-24). I've heard this verse taken in a variety of distorted ways, but to quote another friend "She's not called to be your doormat, guys." Think about it ladies. The following verses talk about how husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church, sacrificially. That they are to love their wives as they love their own body, nurturing her and helping her walk in the Way. As husbands strive to do this, to love us like that, shouldn't it be easy to submit? I think submission usually has a negative connotation in today's world, as if your giving up a part of yourself and saying "Fine. Take it." No... that is not how God intended it in a marriage. I give this illustration to many: Joe and I took ballroom dancing lessons way before we were pregnant with Judah. It was a wonderful time to feel elegant and have my husband lead me on the dance floor. But the thing I noticed most of all was the trend in couples that were having a hard time learning the steps. It was beyond "two left feet". The couples having trouble were struggling because the wife was leading when she should be swept off her feet and twirled around the floor. Women who led found themselves frustrated with their husbands and his inabilities to do something, even though she was the one preventing the flow to happen. Even in non-Christian couples, when the wives submitted to their husbands lead danced beautifully around the room and found ease in each new step we learned. For those who wouldn't allow it, you knew it wasn't much different at home than on the dance floor.

So, made in God's image, if we are married, we are called to lovingly and willingly submit to our husbands. The next command is for husbands, but I'll explain my thinking after, "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Peter 3:7). That doesn't mean she can't lift a finger, or that she is unable to be entrusted with anything for she is "weak". Note what is said before and after the weaker vessel part: "giving honor to the wife....being heirs TOGETHER of the grace of life..." (emphasis mine). Again, I realize this command is for men, but think on it ladies. We are called, and rightfully so, the weaker vessel. Again, this doesn't mean we are incapable of doing anything. I know a number of women who've given birth naturally, and that is not a sign of weakness. But as the curse from Genesis 3:16, we desire the position of our husband. We desire to be the leader of the family, that we can do something (or everything) better. That we, who no matter how self-acclaim devoid of emotion, are emotional (not always in a bad way), sensitive, soft creatures. Weak, in other words. Men are called to protect and respect us. To love us as Christ loves His church. And if we are attempting to get a roast out of the oven, keep the toddler away, not burn the sauteed veggies, and tell our husbands happily (while inside thinking daggers), "O no, babe, it's okay. You can go lay down," we're lying to ourselves. And simply, we're not allowing our husbands, or the men around us, to do what they are born and called to do: lead. Yes, Eve was made to be Adam's helper. But who probably helped Eve birth Cane, Abel, Seth, and whoever else was born to them? Who built the boat to save his family and the animals God preordained to ride on the Ark? Who was called to be our Redeemer and Savior? All men. Granted, the last one was Christ, who was both God and man, but still.

As men and women, we are called together to work as one body in Christ. Especially in a marriage, but this applies to our relationships all around us too. If we as women are trying to raise our sons to be godly chivalrous men and at the same time are pushing and shoving to show "We can do it ourselves!" What are we doing?