Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Concealing a Blessing...

I'll be truthful. I'm not one of those women that feels amazing and gorgeously glowing throughout pregnancy. The first trimester, I'm excited, but exhausted and nauseated. By God's mercy, it's been just that. But only for my third pregnancy could I stay in my normal clothes for the first trimester. With Judah, I bloated at 6 weeks and donned maternity wear for the following 34 weeks. With Levi, I could hold back a bit longer, but summer came early and slightly tight clothes were just not going to work. The second trimester is easier. God is gracious to give a boost of energy (especially when you already have little ones to care for) and maternity wear is comfy and cute. People are kinder with their words, "O! I think you're beginning to show a little!" All around, a happier 3 months. But then the third trimester comes. The aches and pains of holding this little one. The aches and pains of holding their siblings on the outside. I can't sleep well for varied reasons, and the "joking", but truly hurtful, comments of others begin, "Are you sure you've got just one in there?" I got that one this week. With Levi, I got "Are you having triplets?!" And with Judah, I was stopped by the greeter at Walmart when I was returning unopened liters of soda from a church event and was given a lecture on weight gain and soda drinking. For me, I'm already uncomfortable. The clothes I'm wearing that day allowed me to feel the most comfortable I could and still feel like I'm presentable...

But I find during the whole experience, with all three children, I'm ridiculously self-conscience. The error of people-pleasing at it's worst for me. I don't WANT to look like I'm carrying triplets just because I'm short and my stomach protrudes out further than a beach ball. I take longer to get ready on Sundays because my body says "Wear maternity jeans..." but my pride says "Look nice! It's church!" For a good portion of my pregnancy, I spend needless time getting myself together so that I show to the minimum amount. Besides the sin of people-pleasing (Ephesians 6:6), I am truly acting (even if I'm not feeling) ungrateful for this amazing gift of life growing inside.

It's not a matter of beauty. Vanity, maybe, but I am content. It's truly a matter of perspective during a time when you need the Lord's endurance to get you through the pain of childbirth (see that curse in Genesis 3) and seeing the blessing come forth. Psalms 127 and 128 lay it out beautifully the BLESSING that I'm so ready to hide just because I feel awkward. 

127:3-5- "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

The last half of this psalm of the wisest king, Solomon, tells us that they are a heritage, a reward! We are blessed when we fill out homes with them. 

128:3-4- "Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots
around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord."

Psalm 128 follows at 127 heels. In 127, we see that the house that the Lord builds is a blessed home. And that children are a wonderful blessing. In 128, we see that same family, with a father/husband who fears the Lord, is blessed. The wife/mother is fruitful (see Proverbs 31:10-31 for what that fruitfulness looks like) and the children are described as olive shoots. They are given the roots of their godly father to rise up and bless those around them with their OWN fruit. Olives in Israel are ground into a balm for healing, a salve for sand protection, a lotion for soothing. They are essential. 

So when I think of this big huge belly that I'm trying to figure out how to move around with, I need to change my thinking to one of the happy heart that I ask my sons to have. One that is grateful for this growth, no matter the discomfort or comments, because of the life that is so beautifully knitted together inside. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. She is set apart for God's purpose and glory. And praise the Lord that I get to carry her. 

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

To Nest...

Nest: noun; a structure or place made or chosen by a bird for laying eggs and sheltering its young; a person's snug or secluded retreat or shelter.

Often by the third trimester, most women (I won't say this for all) have given in to the desire to "nest". To make one's home ready for the little one that's on the way. With Judah, I cleaned out closets, organized the medicine closet to make room for baby stuff, and laundered all his clothes just in an effort to get ready for our first. When Judah came home, we had just had a baby shower the day we went into the hospital. Presents were still in packages, things unorganized, and the kitchen table covered. I'll admit. I cried. After all that prep, and a long WEEK in the hospital (Judah had jaundice that kept us there 2 extra days), I was overwhelmed that the hospital would allow us to bring this sweet sleeping babe into what I then considered a heap (a vacuumed heap, but a heap none the less).

Levi, I was determined would be different. Since Judah was a c-section, Levi was a planned one. I had the apartment cleaned from top to bottom for my parents staying with our little man while we were gone. I redid Judah's room to fit a crib and made it into a map-themed adventure room for two little boys to explore and discover together in. Pulled out the 0-3 month stash of boys clothing and even had the diaper area ready. Along with the corner of our own room readied for the next 3 months that he would sleep with until he slept well enough through the night. Ready! But when Levi came home, and my parents left after a short visit, and Joe went back to classes and finals (just across the street)... I didn't even know what to do with TWO kids. It took 4 months or more to finally figure out a routine that didn't make me feel exhausted at the end of the day. 

Lesson learned? You might think I'm reaching, but this is what I've found as we wait for baby girl to arrive. This isn't my nest. With both boys I was SO focused on making sure everything earthly was ready. Not that that is wrong, to ready oneself for the revealed plan that the Lord has laid before you. But how much of that time was I focused on praying for readiness? Praying for endurance? Searching the scriptures for what I really needed to bring those boys into the world (whether naturally or by man's hand/scalpel?)? 

Jesus rightly reminds me in John 15:19(b) "...but you are not of this world, but I chose you out of the world." This isn't my home. Matthew 6 puts it in a different way. That we aren't to place all our treasures here on earth "where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal." Where are our treasures to be? "Lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matt. 6:20-21). So when I'm overly worried, and let's face it, pregnancy hormones don't help, where is my heart? For me, I'm focused on things. Diapers, clothes, crib bedding, etc. It's not that it's wrong to prepare for the child to come (you're gonna be in a bit of a pinch if you don't). But if it's your only focus, and all happiness rides on your readiness, misery follows. 

For little girl, God has taught me this with a hard lesson. I can't nest. I want to! Don't get me wrong. But the corner of our room is all I have because we're moving to I don't know where the month after she's born. Not that I'm doing nothing. Lovingly handed-down clothes are being laundered, her area is being set up. I even sewed a couple things for her and her corner. But the Lord has kept my mind on Him. I'm not ready for 3! I only have 2 hands! But the Lord placed a strong desire for our third on our hearts, and we listened willingly. With her, I find myself studying the Word to see what strong godly women God talks about that I can tell her stories of. I pray for her more than I ever did for the boys in utero (don't tell them that haha). Not just for her growth, but her heart. Has it really taken 3 children for me to finally get a tiny grasp on what it means to nest in a godly manner? Is this the kind of nesting the Proverbs 31 (verses 10-31) woman would have done?

With her, I'm not worried. God is sovereign. He knows what I need (Matthew 6:31-32) and what our family of now 5 needs. He knows I can't pack my tiny freezer full of ready-made dinners for our first month after her arrival. And He knows that I'm not looking forward to another c-section. But what does He ask of me in the midst of all the crazy hormonal worries that pregnancy (or unfaithfulness) bring on? "...seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" (Matt. 6:33). And what is His promise if I obey? If I lay all my anxiety on Him and seek Him? "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." A peace that transcends all understanding? I'd say I'd feel ready for twins with that.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Growing up in Seminary...

It's been on my mind lately the immense blessing that Judah and Levi don't even realize. I guess I should begin with, God richly blessed us by providing us housing on campus here at seminary. Not only does Joe simply have to walk across the street daily to study and attend classes, but we as a family benefit too. The support from other families surrounding the seminary is truly invaluable. Our children get to grow together in Christ, play together, and love on one another. Even if they are all under the age of 5 :) But in emergencies trusted friends are literally next door to take a little one while you take the other to the hospital or doctor. It's such a blessing.

But for Judah, looking especially through his perspective, this building is home. The retired pastor and handyman is his Papa. The professors are all elders whom he knows and isn't too shy to talk too. The other seminary students are dear friends whom he explodes with excitement to see. He knows that we can go to chapel and worship God daily if we want, and he's learning through family worship and chapel time how to truly worship, not just sit still, on Sundays. For our children, they are growing up surrounded by our brothers and sisters in Christ teaching them alongside us the amazing unity and diversity of God's Church.

It does make me sad to think because he's so young, Judah won't remember it all. He may not remember his best friend who's family will return to another continent after graduation. Or his love for time with our across-the-hall neighbors, which sometimes is translated "Mommy, you and daddy need to go on a date so the Morelands can come over." Cause dinner with them isn't enough. It may only be a vague memory the faces and places God has enriched us with over these past 2 1/2 years (3 when we're done and move). A part of me prays this time sticks in his memory as it will for Joe and I. I know Levi won't remember. He's too little. But I do pray that Judah won't hold tight to a place, but the blessings that God gave us while we were here. I hate thinking of graduation, when we and everyone in our year will go across the country (and oceans!) to go where God is calling us. Not because I don't want to go. I do with all my heart! But we as a family will greatly miss the people God has put in our lives for such a short time.

Seminary isn't just for my seminarian husband. God brought us all here. And truly... we all are blessed by it.

Monday, 19 August 2013

à la fin...

à la fin: French; at the end.

September 9th begins our final year at seminary. A few Sundays ago, a team from a bible church in Ohio visited our church wanting to research the way other denominations worship and do urban outreach. While talking with one of the team members, she asked why we're in Pittsburgh (after finding out Joe and I grew up in the Midwest).

I simply said, "O! We're here for seminary!"
(Picking up on the "we") "You go to seminary too?"
"Well, no. But we're a team."

Even though it happened so recently, I think it tells of how these past 2+ years have gone. We came as a family of 3. Joe began classes, and I began figuring out what God wanted of me... as a wife, as a mother, as a person.

At first I looked for work because that was the only way I figured we could get insurance with my diabetes. I hated interviewing because what I truly wanted was to be at home with Judah. In one such interview, I was asked point blank, "what is your ideal job?" I didn't lie and tell them exactly what I had applied for, I just smiled and honestly told her, "A stay-at-home mom." I found out that that's what she wanted too, but couldn't do that at that point in her life. After that, I stopped applying places. I picked up a job cleaning one afternoon a week at our denominational publishing house across the street. I figured I felt truly called to be at home with our son, and why should I strive against it? God blessed us with insurance within a month of this decision, and He turned my hobby of graphic design into a job. First it was a book cover, then 3 new business clients all within our denomination. Then it was going by word-of-mouth with logos. God provided amply for us so that I could be at home. He even blessed us with another son, Levi, a year later! So as Judah got older and Levi thrived I began to understand better my role as mother. "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up" (Deut. 6:4-7). Joe and I work as a team in training our boys. I can't teach them what he can, and likewise he can't do what I can. When I begin to feel the curse of Eve and take over our boys like I'm the only one who knows how to parent, everyone suffers. In the words of Judah's favorite song by Buddy Davis, our marriage "is designed to do what it does do and what it does do it does do well, doesn't it?" Going against God's design for my life creates strife and craziness. And no one likes strife and craziness. Not to say His design is easy, but it IS perfect!

Our team work stretched itself into our second year, as we expected Levi right after presbytery exams and right before finals. And as we knew I'd most likely have a c-section, we also had to expect a long recovery for me. But God kept our ship afloat. Right on schedule, Joe passed his presbytery exams (license to preach!), Levi was born two weeks later (praise the Lord for bringing my parents in to watch Judah!), and 2 weeks after that Joe finished finals week. God provided meals, sorely needed rest during winter break (we didn't really have one during Thanksgiving break), and a blessed love between our boys from day 1. I'll admit, I prayed often for patience and energy. I could not get my head above water with being a seminary wife, mom of 2, helping at church, and leading weekly bible studies with other wives at the seminary. I was super-mom and I was seriously floundering. Why? Because I was relying on myself. "Such is the destiny of all who forget God; so perishes the hope of the godless. What they trust in is fragile; what they rely on is a spider’s web. They lean on the web, but it gives way; they cling to it, but it does not hold" (Job 8:13-15). Joe, my true leader, saw this and knew the cure. He got us on a daily bible reading plan and was my accountability partner. And being in God's word daily was exactly what was needed. It was hard at first to make it a habit, but now, I need it. I yearn for it. I love when God recalls things for me and helps me to see the beautiful plan He has made since Creation and before! God is so good. He also taught me the error of HOW I was praying. "God, I need patience." "I need energy." "I need wisdom." What I realized is that even though I'm asking for good things, I'm asking for them so that I can use them in the way I think I should use them. Did you see how many times I said "I"? So I began praying "God? Be my patience" cause God's way of being patience is infinitely better than mine. "God? Be my strength" cause all the strength I have is futile. God will always have enough of what I need. Isn't that amazing?

Beginning year 3 makes me look back on all God has taught me that I can bring to the team when we are called to the pastorate. People may think, "We're calling Joe," and it's true. I'm not gonna preach, even if Joe is sick suddenly Sunday morning and I know his sermon by heart. But we're a team. We come as a packaged family of 4, as I keep trying to explain to Judah. So God cultivated me alongside my husband during our time here. I learned how to run a bible study purely from scripture. I learned how to lead a bible/book study. I am learning what it means to "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19). How to have better, more fruitful hospitality. Ways to teach our boys to serve at an early age. How to be content in all things. I'm learning at seminary too, even if I'm not taking "Doctrine of Human Nature". God is so good to humble me, and teach me alongside my husband. He is so gracious to provide for us during this time. He's merciful as He teaches me what it means to sit in the pew by myself with 2 wiggles as Joe preaches. He's infinitely wise, infinitely just, infinitely holy. His word is truth and a light to my path (Psalm 119). I'm learning from the man God placed as my head and enjoying Joe's company on the straight and narrow way.

Praise You Lord for what You have done these past 2+ years! It might not be exactly what Joe is learning, but we're a complimentary team, designed to do what we do and what we do together we do well, don't we?

Sunday, 5 May 2013

Three Convictions...

Conviction #1: Bible Reading
At the beginning of this year, Joe challenged us as a family to read through the bible in a year. Our family worship would consist of the New Testament readings and our personal devotions would be in the Old Testament. I've tried numerous times before to "read through in a year", but favoring the New Testament because it's easier to apply, I've always failed. That's why, at 27 years old and in a year going to be a pastor's wife, I haven't read through the entire bible. I think I've read most of it, excluding a few prophets, but never connected it all together and read through it like the book it is. I haven't devoured it like the life giving food it is, and most days in personal devotions I look at the amount I have to read and sigh because I have other matters to attend to. I think that's why the Lord is leading me through the Old Testament.

Israel was a rebellious nation. In the book of Hosea, God has His prophet marry a prostitute to give an illustration of what His relationship with His bride, the church/Israel, is like. They (we) are faithless, whoring after idols (gods in their case, money, materials, and people-pleasing in ours), always saying they'll be faithful, but the next chapter revealing they have turned once again away from the God of their Deliverance. The book of Judges begins and ends with telling how the people did what was right in their own eyes, and what happens because of that.

So, when I read through 1 Samuel, and see that the people have asked God, their Ruler, Deliverer, and Savior, for a king because they wanted someone to fight their battles for them (what?!), I can't help but stop after my readings and pray. God... I have been rebellious. I have forgotten that You fight my battles. I have tried to do things on my terms and by my abilities. Needless to say Lord, I failed. I couldn't even focus on You today, Your Sabbath day, because I was too distracted. I didn't seek after you. Please Lord, forgive me. Thank you Lord for Your Son, through whom I am redeemed and washed as white as snow. Thank you Lord that today we sang a psalm talking about how we are by faith assured of Your salvation (which of course is found in Christ). You are so good and merciful to remind me. Lord, You brought Saul before me in my readings. He wanted to rush through Your sacrifices. He wanted to get it done because he had things to do. So he didn't wait for Your servant Samuel to come and do it right. And for that he was rebuked by Samuel and his rule was prophesied to be shortened by the coming of David. God... forgive me my hastiness. My thinking that my things are more important than Yours. Again... You are good to humble me and set me back on the straight and narrow path. Keep me, in Christ, from turning to the right or to the left. Teach me to follow You so that I may walk in Your Way. Teach me to be more like Christ, who IS the Way, the Truth, and the Life. My King and Savior. Amen...

Conviction #2: The Poor and Needy
This doubled with today's sermon, did you ever think upon the fact that we will stand before the Judgement seat of God. That He will judge us for how we have walked. Because of Christ, we will not be burned in the fire and we will join Him in glory, but our deeds will still be looked at. I've felt the most convicted and feared God when I see people (most of them are men) on the side of the road with homeless signs. Now... I recognize that not all men are being honest, and that is for God to judge them, but they are seeking aid, and so I ask how I can give it. A few weeks back, it was a meal with a man named Tony who doesn't get anything to eat from 6am until almost 8pm. The man at the gas station, it was a quarter for bus fare. But one man stumped me. I saw him as I took the boys into Sam's with me, so we got an extra hot dog, chips, and water for him with the intention of handing it off as we passed. But when we got close with the car, and I stuck my head out to talk with hot dog and chips in hand, he said he couldn't eat flour, meat, etc. etc. because he had cancer but he was grateful for the water and dismissed me on my way. Okay... I thought the entire way home how I could have handled that better. How I could have offered to take him to get a salad, or brought him home and cooked for him as he showed me what he could and couldn't have. So when I was out that way again, and again I saw the same man at the same corner, I turned the car around so I could once again offer help since his sign said he needed it. Again, he went through what he couldn't eat, and so I offered to drive him to get a big salad (seemingly "okay" in his list of dietary restrictions). But he said that wasn't nutritious since it was only lettuce. Stumped, I saw him walk away after saying that, walk up to a truck that offered him money, and happily go and count it. Ah. It was the reminder of what my heart had been hardened so long against today's poor on the streets. I had met and read an article about a man in KC who sat outside of a bookstore downtown and begged for a living. His living did him so well, he took a yearly vacation to the Rockies for skiing. So how do you help in a world that doesn't know it's true need? You pray. You pray that your heart wouldn't be hardened. That you would have ample opportunities to share Christ, and help find work. I thought on how Cush4Christ, a mission in south Sudan, came not offer schools or food, but instead offered Christ and a work ethic that the people are beginning to thrive on. They were shown the resources they have at their disposal if they would just USE them.

I feel as though I should be armed with a list of shelters (for men and women), soup kitchens, and other services around the city. But then realize that the church should be giving those things. So instead, I need to be armed with the phone numbers of my church session, and secretary.

Dear Lord, keep me and my children safe as we minister. Lord, I know You go with us because You ask this of us in Your Word. What we do for these people, we do to You. Thank You for Your servants in Kokomo, Indiana who shared how You worked in their congregation to teach them how to care for the poor and needy around them. Help me to know better how to do it because You ask it of me. Amen...

Conviction #3: Taking a Call
As we're hitting our last 2 weeks of our 2nd year in seminary, I realize that as Joe goes out to preach at various places, we may be called anywhere this time next year. I weigh the various places that have (or will have) open pulpits. I think of the congregations themselves, I think of their distance proximity to our families, I think of their histories within the denomination, I think of the ministry opportunities they've sought in the past or could do in the future. I think... a lot. But one day, after Joe and I talked about a congregation, I realized that weighing all these things seemed wrong. Granted, I'm sure there are fits that are necessary between a pastor and his congregation (and I need to study and learn them BEFORE next year!), but aren't we called to administer the gospel everywhere? Jesus doesn't say to go where you feel more comfortable, or where you like the climate, or where you can be close to people you know. He just says to GO. So what's the difference if one place is urban and the other is rural? If one place is small and the other nearly ready to church plant it's brimming over? If one is a church plant and will take work and the other is established since the early 1900s? I need to be content wherever Joe is called because that is where the gospel in needed. That is a flock that needed a proxy-shepherd to the Good Shepherd, to lead them in His ways. Jesus went to the people wherever they were, and I shouldn't shield my family because one place is outside my comfort zone. I should rely upon God, and maybe get a big dog if necessary. God WILL provide, as He has always done so for us in the past. I needn't worry about insurance, finances, or security (well, I need to be a good steward of those things, but I don't have to worry about them) because God has and WILL care for His people wherever He places them. So the congregation that we go to this time next year will be just right, because God called us to them.

God, please be preparing our congregation for us. Open up their hearts to us and ours to them so that wherever You lead us it will be a fruitful ministry that fears You above all things and desires to give glory to Your name. Be preparing that congregation, whomever they may be, so that our names will already be in the back of their minds as a possibility, and may prepare us so that we may serve them as Your servants. Thank You Lord, for caring for our each and every need. I know with confidence that You will take care of this one perfectly, because You are perfect. You are just. You are faithful. Thank you Lord. Amen.

Monday, 28 January 2013

The Unknown

Well... an early morning is here again, and as usual, inability to go back to bed affords time to blog. My mind is racing with things I want to do before Judah or Levi wake up, which means I find myself in the middle of one thing and realize I was doing another. My brain is in a fog, but not of tiredness. I'm wired. I drink decaf coffee, maybe with an occasional flavoring of 1/4 caffeinated. So coffee isn't the excuse. I'm just overwhelmed with thinking lately.

Our little family has reached the "over half way done" mark of seminary, and the future looms ahead. Where will we end up? What's left to do? What SHOULD we (or I mainly) do before seminary's over? How are our finances? Will they hold steady for another year? What can we cut back on? What should we go ahead and do? Judah's getting older. What should we be starting with him? Is 15-30 minutes of school time enough each day? Levi's getting bigger. What should I be doing to make sure he's developing on track? What did Judah do at this age? Joe's got a lot on his plate. What can I be doing better at home to make sure he can do all that he needs to do?

Seriously. My mind is everywhere. I find myself often staring at our map of the RPCNA US churches (which was created in 2010 or 2011 and is no longer up to date) and going over and over in my head where empty pulpits are. Where church plants are being made. Where church plants are being researched. The unknown is daunting. Will we be on the west coast where things are growing and exciting? The east coast/eastern Midwest where some pulpits have been empty for a while and need nurturing or will be opening up soon? The Midwest where faces are a bit more familiar and family is closer? Then I find myself thinking, "Well... I can't do much. Joe will have to preach at those various places, pass "license to receive a call exams", and then candidate." Then I realize it goes beyond that. We can't do anything without God's pre-ordaining it.

And that's where peace can be found. "... the Lord is at hand, do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:5b-7). He's taking care of it. Not just a small portion either. All of it. Down to Judah's future potty-training skills. He's got it covered.

"Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart... But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:17-24).

God has called me to "put off and put on", to trust fully in Him and keep my focus on eternity knowing He will lay every stepping stone perfectly before me. And further more, He will give me the strength to do it. I could cry in relief right now. "He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord" (Psalm 40:3). Praise the Lord!

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Out of... Wherever...

To me... there's no such thing as a severe diabetic. There's diabetic. And not diabetic. Granted, some do better on a schedule, and some dangerously fly by the seat of their pants. But that's another discussion. Post-maternity, it is difficult to get a handle on it. Nursing makes you low, and then exercising in general only adds to it. I joked with my endocrinologist (diabetes specialist) that having children is the cure for diabetes because I hardly needed (or need now post-Levi) any insulin!

This afternoon I "woke up" on the couch. I say "wake up" because I was probably talking or at least laying with my eyes open for some time before I was conscious of it. I remember sugar water, Joe and I's cheap form of juice when we're out. And I have a splitting headache from the surreal effect I had of the low- everything shifting slightly right. If that "sight" doesn't give you a headache, I don't know what does. I remember feeding Levi, and Judah not listening to Joe as he raced around the apartment. I remember Joe reading. Thankfully, I remember laying Levi down in his bed, thinking "I'll see you around 4pm!" But everything is mixed up and mashed. No clear order to the memories, just knowledge that they happened.

I can assure you, for me, nothing is more fearful than the "wake up" and knowing children were in the mix. Where's Judah? Where's Levi? Is Levi okay? Is Judah okay? Then ask again for assurance. Maybe a third time. Then shed tears of joy that they are safe, and then tears of fear that they needed to be safe from me. I remember when we were in the hospital with Judah, he was just 2 or 3 days old when I had a bad low. I "woke up" eating and sitting in the bed and very unsure of my surroundings. I knew Judah was mine, but I didn't remember the c-section. So I eyed him with fear thinking, "they are entrusting this little man to me?! I'm not even sure he's mine!" When Judah was 2, I "woke up" with Judah and Joe at my bedside, Joe having given me sugar during my low. They walked me downstairs to the dining room table to eat something, Judah holding my hand tight. I eyed him then too, thinking, "he's mine?" I cannot explain how fearful it is to realize you have children, and you just had a low black out. You want to check on them every few minutes afterwards to be sure they've survived YOUR low. And then praise God they're alive.

That said, I have never been alone when any of this happens. Someone (normally Joe) has always ALWAYS been there. God foreordained that in my incredible weakness, my husband would be there, before we had kids and now that we have 2. My least favorite non-Joe rescue was Costco, pre-children. I ran to get a few things and could feel myself going low while pushing the cart around. I decided I could make it, buy a soda, sit for a bit to regain myself, and be fine. But the Lord humbled me greatly by sitting me down mid-isle, so close to being done, and had me sobbing to a random woman, "really... I'm okay... I'm diabetic... I need a soda or sugar please." She ran for the manager (either believing my story or thinking me drunk), and by God's grace his daughter was diabetic and he knew just what to do. It took me 2 months before I set foot in that Costco again I was so embarrassed. But in my shame, I am humbled and beyond grateful never to be alone. Other than that time, lows for me normally swoop in like a bat in the night, unseen and unheard, just waiting and lurking around the corner. There's a reason why my doctor in KS highly recommended a glucose sensor for me, that my insurance here in PA doesn't allow. I don't feel my lows til I'm ridiculously low, like low 50s, 40s, sometimes an unlucky 30 something (to give you an idea, I'm supposed to be between 70-120). I remember being 29 once and talking to Joe like nothing happened, never blacking out, never feeling it until I noticed my vision was blurred slightly. Even now, coming up from a low, my vision is blurred slightly. Within the past year, double vision and going cross-eyed has been a fun new symptom for me. Praise the Lord for a clear outward sign that my husband can see.

I apologize for the rant (that's what blogs are for right?). I just wanted to give those who don't know about diabetes a "taste" of lows. Because my blood sugars have been so tightly controlled, I can feel a high blood sugar when I'm just 150 or 170. So for me, lows have always been more dangerous. Like I said, they just kind of come out of... wherever they come from.