I hate my diabetes. Hate is a strong word. But I hate it with a fiery passion. Whatever that means... I want to go, do, and be without having to worry if I have enough insulin in my cartridge (I have a Minimed Pump). I want to think about having another kid without worrying that my blood sugars are near-perfection so they will be safe inside of me. But most of all, I want to have it vanish like it never was here. If it weren't for my husband and son, I'd be incredibly willing to be a guinea pig for St. Louis University's medical tests.
So why the rant? I need to learn contentment. Not just in general (that too!), but especially with my diabetes. Paul writes...
"for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."-Philippians 4:11-13
He places his trust in God, who is strong, everlasting, and truly good. So amidst all my hate, am I trusting? Not that God would magically cure me. But that God will strengthen me? That He will provide for me? That He will let me lean on Him so that I may endure? I could selfishly pray that He would "remove my thorn" (see 2 Corinthians 12), but how would that give Him glory?
"You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions."-James 4:3
I cannot ask God without selfish intent to cure my diabetes. So what can I ask of God? I pray that God would heal my malice towards it. That He would strengthen me, humble me, and cause me to think upon why He has given me this trial to endure. I pray that He would be working, and keep my mind focused on Him- not random goals, or futures I hope for. But Him in who all things are made whole.
"...forsake me not when my strength is spent...You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again... My lips will shout for joy, when I sing praises to you; my soul also, which you have redeemed."-Psalm 71:9, 21-23
So I ask of my friends who are reading this, keep me accountable. Don't let me simply say it's going well and not to worry. I trudge day in and day out, and I'll admit I've lied just about how my diabetes is going just to feel normal. Keep me accountable, brothers and sisters in Christ. For this is a long haul, but praise Him who keeps the burden light.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”-Matthew 11:28-30
I don't see how asking to be healed is entirely selfish in this case. I imagine you want to give your husband and your son the healthiest wife and mommy possible. Not selfish my friend. I can only imagine the look on your doctors' faces if you were to be miraculously healed after all these years. And your family??? How could they deny a LIVING God after seeing that kind of miracle? That right there would leave them speechless and knowing there is a God who loves His people. But, yes, I will hold you accountable for finding contentment and JOY in your circumstances. I have held the belief for quite some time that God's first act of mercy (for the believer) after the fall of man was providing death for us all. Imagine if we were condemned to living in this awful world with sickness and misery for eternity? Isn't it wonderful to know that your hope of a perfect healing will be realized one day?!?!
ReplyDeleteMaggie, I've often had the same problems regarding my TMJ disorder (causes my jaw to dislocate randomly). It nearly cost me my bachelor's degree and it has cost me my dream to play professionally. I pray quite often that God will help me deal with it, as I know He gave it to me to strengthen me and to help my students realize that they can overcome pretty much anything with His help! If you ever want to get together and pray for strength and see what the Bible says about healing and God's wonderful help, just let me know!
ReplyDelete-Mandy
Kami- I think it's selfish to pray for that because I don't think of those wonderful things when I think of being cured. I think of myself only and then other things later, and unless I can push past myself I don't feel like I'm asking for the Lord's will and not my own.
ReplyDeleteMandy- thank you for the support! I'd always like to get together and talk about scripture! I often think of the passage in John when Jesus asks the lame man, "Do you WANT to be healed?" He had a good life, not having to work but being provided for. But knowing his sin, he knew what TRUE healing (beyond physical) would mean. I'm blessed that God HAS "healed" me, and one day I'll be physically healed too when I am united with Him.