Out of... Wherever...

To me... there's no such thing as a severe diabetic. There's diabetic. And not diabetic. Granted, some do better on a schedule, and some dangerously fly by the seat of their pants. But that's another discussion. Post-maternity, it is difficult to get a handle on it. Nursing makes you low, and then exercising in general only adds to it. I joked with my endocrinologist (diabetes specialist) that having children is the cure for diabetes because I hardly needed (or need now post-Levi) any insulin!

This afternoon I "woke up" on the couch. I say "wake up" because I was probably talking or at least laying with my eyes open for some time before I was conscious of it. I remember sugar water, Joe and I's cheap form of juice when we're out. And I have a splitting headache from the surreal effect I had of the low- everything shifting slightly right. If that "sight" doesn't give you a headache, I don't know what does. I remember feeding Levi, and Judah not listening to Joe as he raced around the apartment. I remember Joe reading. Thankfully, I remember laying Levi down in his bed, thinking "I'll see you around 4pm!" But everything is mixed up and mashed. No clear order to the memories, just knowledge that they happened.

I can assure you, for me, nothing is more fearful than the "wake up" and knowing children were in the mix. Where's Judah? Where's Levi? Is Levi okay? Is Judah okay? Then ask again for assurance. Maybe a third time. Then shed tears of joy that they are safe, and then tears of fear that they needed to be safe from me. I remember when we were in the hospital with Judah, he was just 2 or 3 days old when I had a bad low. I "woke up" eating and sitting in the bed and very unsure of my surroundings. I knew Judah was mine, but I didn't remember the c-section. So I eyed him with fear thinking, "they are entrusting this little man to me?! I'm not even sure he's mine!" When Judah was 2, I "woke up" with Judah and Joe at my bedside, Joe having given me sugar during my low. They walked me downstairs to the dining room table to eat something, Judah holding my hand tight. I eyed him then too, thinking, "he's mine?" I cannot explain how fearful it is to realize you have children, and you just had a low black out. You want to check on them every few minutes afterwards to be sure they've survived YOUR low. And then praise God they're alive.

That said, I have never been alone when any of this happens. Someone (normally Joe) has always ALWAYS been there. God foreordained that in my incredible weakness, my husband would be there, before we had kids and now that we have 2. My least favorite non-Joe rescue was Costco, pre-children. I ran to get a few things and could feel myself going low while pushing the cart around. I decided I could make it, buy a soda, sit for a bit to regain myself, and be fine. But the Lord humbled me greatly by sitting me down mid-isle, so close to being done, and had me sobbing to a random woman, "really... I'm okay... I'm diabetic... I need a soda or sugar please." She ran for the manager (either believing my story or thinking me drunk), and by God's grace his daughter was diabetic and he knew just what to do. It took me 2 months before I set foot in that Costco again I was so embarrassed. But in my shame, I am humbled and beyond grateful never to be alone. Other than that time, lows for me normally swoop in like a bat in the night, unseen and unheard, just waiting and lurking around the corner. There's a reason why my doctor in KS highly recommended a glucose sensor for me, that my insurance here in PA doesn't allow. I don't feel my lows til I'm ridiculously low, like low 50s, 40s, sometimes an unlucky 30 something (to give you an idea, I'm supposed to be between 70-120). I remember being 29 once and talking to Joe like nothing happened, never blacking out, never feeling it until I noticed my vision was blurred slightly. Even now, coming up from a low, my vision is blurred slightly. Within the past year, double vision and going cross-eyed has been a fun new symptom for me. Praise the Lord for a clear outward sign that my husband can see.

I apologize for the rant (that's what blogs are for right?). I just wanted to give those who don't know about diabetes a "taste" of lows. Because my blood sugars have been so tightly controlled, I can feel a high blood sugar when I'm just 150 or 170. So for me, lows have always been more dangerous. Like I said, they just kind of come out of... wherever they come from.